somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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