You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
