he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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