Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
