her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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