My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
i out mim tonsoeep
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
