Me. At least after what I've been through.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
