You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
