Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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