i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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