one two three fourrrrnication!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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