Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
