I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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