um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
