Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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