I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
