im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
