I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
