ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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