don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
