What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
