The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize