I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
