I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
