My hand turned me down
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
