I murdered the dance floor call the cops
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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