so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My feet surprised me
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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