The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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