I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
