Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
