As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
