I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
