last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
