fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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