Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
