I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
