I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
