The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
