I hate your face
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
