I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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