the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
