If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
