My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i think i just lost a toe
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
