I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
