I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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