I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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