I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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