In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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