Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
