This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
