I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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