I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
