Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
