i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
