Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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